Turning the wheel…

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Why is DOWRY still a living truth in India??

Posted by Rewa Smriti on July 17, 2007

I have read a lot about suicide, murder, misuse of dowry laws, harassment by wife etc. I accept that all these are facts as also we can read and hear these facts and figures in newspaper and can see in our well-cultured society. But Why…?

I think and it’s a big question mark for me that why is ‘DOWRY’ still a living truth in India!? I do not blame here only to guys; I think girls are also responsible for the same. Both are equally responsible for this. I really don’t know after so much education and awakening, why are the guys yet not refusing to accept dowry? And why a well educated girl yet not refusing to give dowry? What’s the use of education, which cannot teach you to choose right direction? 

However, I have seen in many cases, where the “PRICE” of a guy is directly proportional to the amount of education he has received. If a thele walaaor riksha walaa or an engineer/doctor/IAS/any well educated person, both ask for dowry then what is the use of education?  I feel that the ratio is like ‘more education more dowry’. Then why the nation wastes so much money on their education where basically they all are the same???

I do not say all people are same but most of the people are involved in this. The quantity of dowry exchanged has come to be seen as man’s status in society and so some of the parents indulge a lot in that. Sometimes the bride’s family forces to give dowry. This results from few causes so in future bride shouldn’t hear these words, in regard to a loving parents view:

*हमने माँगा नही था, पर तुम्हारे घरवालों को तो सोचना चाहिए, समाज में अब हमारी क्या इज़्ज़त रह गयी??

* हमने अपने लड़के के पढ़ाई में कितना खर्च किया, लेकिन बदले में तुम्हारे पापा ने क्या दिया??

Now, if you go for the grooms views then you will find these words:

* You talk with a guy, he will simply say he doesn’t need dowry but its up to his parents and family. (So funny)

* Also sometimes you get to hear from guys that ‘I don’t want dowry but you will have to spend money for all arrangement in marriage as per his family demands and expectations!

* Nevertheless, also grooms will ask you to talk with their parents, and they will simply say that “हम आपसे क्या माँगे जो हम माँगेंगे वो आप शायद दे नही पाएँगे”, which is meant to demean the bride’s parents.


There are many such dialogues you can hear now days. Whenever you ask to any guy (exceptions are always there), they say, they don’t want dowry but if they go against of it, their family will get hurt. Why people don’t understand that “Duniya mein koi bhi badlav Kisi ko bina hurt kiye nahi aata.” In fact “Rama should not have killed Ravana because Ravanaa’s death did hurt Mandodari…!!!”

On the other hand, there are couple of guys I have seen who doesn’t talk about dowry! They just expect a good girl who can be his best friend and take care of him and vice versa! I would really appreciate these guys and also I suggest all, we should do something so that we encourage these kind of guys who have their own decision power and do not leave this kind of decision on others. In my opinion these guys should be recognized in society and also be identified for such a special cause!

Also according to me the girl has to refuse to marry the boy whose parents are asking for dowry. If she doesn’t do so, she has to understand one thing that after marriage ‘she is surrounded by devil and demons’ in the name of husband and all in-laws who break laws. Now being a gal, I personally feel it is far better to be unmarried than giving dowry and I also believe that the society will not change unless one is willing to contribute to that change.

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17 Responses to “Why is DOWRY still a living truth in India??”

  1. Abhiraj said

    Quite rightly said. Hey even there are cases where u will find expectations from girl’s end as well that her to be groom is well settled, have his own house, have car and the person be rich enough that she is not devoid of any worldly comforts.I think better situation will prevaid if both start sharing comforts of life rather than bride expecting that her to be groom provide her all worldly pleasures and similarly guys be anti-dowry.

  2. Brahma said

    hi.. there is no distinction between males an d females when it comes to dowry culture.. The giver as he gives the taker takes it so grantly as though it is a status symbol between two families. The proportion varies with the different sects of people but throughout the country the culture prevails…
    Let me put you the fact some grooms family shift themselves to a posch atmosphere when seeking for bride. That is they either shift their house to a bungalow or buy luxurious things to show off themselves in which case they can expect a high yield from Groom. See how funny the situation is. How people’s mindset grow with culture and education.. Its shame on their part to sell their own sons for money… Even as u said brides family too give dowry to maintain their status.

    BOTH OF THEM TOTALLY FORGET THAT MARRIAGE IS MEANT FOR BINDING TWO HEARTS….
    I AM HERE TO STATE THAT APART FROM SUCH A BARBARIAN SOCIETY ( I MEAN ONLY THOSE WHO FOLLOW DOWRY CULTURE) THERE ARE YOUTHS WHO ARE AGINST THIS DEVASTATING CULTURE. YES.. PLZ LOOK INTO THE SITE http://www.idontwantdowry.com AN EXCLUSIVE INITIATIVE TO ERADICATE DOWRY IN THE SOCIETY. THE SITE IS WELL ON ITS LINE WITH MORE THAN 5000 YOUTHS WHO HAVE REGISTERED OPPOSING DOWRY CULTURE.

    I would like young individuals and parents to become part of such initiatives and create a dowry free society by themselves.

  3. veerendra said

    Those of u who think the worth given below is under estimated..think again. Thoughts in favour of dowry will show that ur worth is too less than what is written below.This post is not meant to make u aware of ur rates in marriage auction..this is close to the terrible business seen in dowry.
    8th pass = 1 cycle
    10th pass= 1 bhains + 1 cycle
    12th pass = 1 bike
    Graduate (unemployed)= bike + cash of Rs 1 Lakh
    Primary school teacher = 2 Lakh + other common goods
    Graduate (employed) = car + cash of 3 lakh (in the name of dowry for daughter if they hv)
    Engineer = 10 Lakh
    Doctor = 10 lakh
    IAS officer = 20+
    CA =5-7

  4. Amit said

    Rewa, truly and well written. you really have a way with these uncomfortable topics- love and now dowry. I’m happy that some women are not only bringing light on dowry demands but totally against of it these days. I think women would just say, if you don’t want me, I will choose the next guy.

    my comment on Veerndra’ post:
    your comments show their real intellect.”Intellectual cream”, eh? It is really complete failure of “education.” Education does play a role but what is largely dished out today is not really “education”, it’s just degrees which get you a job. But I think some of us have been fortunate to receive an education 🙂
    Does dowry improve life for brides?

  5. Santosh Kumar said

    Hey,
    Will you marry a guy, who is less educated than you?
    Don’t have good source of income or no income… Well these are the boy who is doing like this. I have not seen a single girl who marry a guy, who is less earning than her.
    please find the answer for all these query, I am sure you will get the answer for your questions.

    I am not saying, it is a good thing. But to avaoid, you have to do something else, apart from only writing. Leave all these think aboutyourself, tell me, will you follow any of the above.

    If we are not deserving for something and still want that, we have to pay, in nomal life as well as in social too.

    Regards,
    Santosh

  6. Santosh,

    1st of all tell me one thing that deserve karne ka criteria kya sirf education level se hota hai? As I got from your comment that guys are the more educated and superior creature so gals has to give dowry!

    And do you think that a girl becomes less deserving because she is less educated than the boy? No!! if a boy is good at something, education in this case, then the wife is also better than the husband in many fields…like taking care of the family, bringing up the children….and she does it without any renumerations….Do you want to say that because the man does not deserve a wife who is better than him in house keeping, he needs to pay for her services???? Nooo….everything in a relationship is mutual.

    A husband and wife are a team of two….and each teamplayer uses his/her skills for the betterment of the team…it is definitely not about who is superior!! Again I would like to say that dahej ki pratha jab humare purkhon ne banayi thee tab uska ek samaajik mahatva tha, lekin aajkal ke maahaul mei uska koi mayna nahi raha. aaj ladki ka dahej uske vichar, uski sanskriti aur uski padhai hai. And now it is not always the male side, the females now are getting all powered up and intelligent to make money.

    There are guys who are not in good looking but want a very beautiful gal wid dowry. Does this mean that such guys should pay for the beauty for the girl in order to get married to her?….this will totally change the definition of marraige. Pati aur patni ek doosre ke poorak hote hain…..it is just like two sides of a coin….if one is not deserving the other, then this relationship can never be complete.

    Last but not the least as you have written that you have to do something else apart from only writing…..So Santosh can you help us by suggesting something. Your valuable suggestion will always be appreciated and regarded to bring about a constructive change in the society. Cheers…. 🙂

    rgds.

  7. veerendra said

    To Santosh Kumar,

    Whoever earns more should not be the logic to stand by before building a sensitive relation like “marriage”. Do u mean to say that after the exchange of dowry both will stand equally. NO..I strongly object this view.
    ur view in the favour of dawry is disgrace to our society and the campaign against it. People like u r the reason that this menace to society is still existing.
    u r suggesting to look for an alternative to avoid dowry..do u think there can be a new way out without eliminating the old ridiculous thoughts which enhanced the system of dowry till now.

  8. veerendra said

    Reply to Amit ji..
    Dowry is a way to…
    – make bride`s parents run out of forune.
    – prohibits educated but poor girls to marry
    – a way which enables rich and arrogent girls to find a match
    – Killing of many girls after the marriage

  9. Do.. Worry.
    Don’t Worry.
    ..Do…wry…

    As I have been on both side of marriage, what I have seen is, every bride’s family tries their best to decorate her before departing their soul. If one is poor, it may be just one piece of cloth set too, if not bulk gifts. Blessing of bride/groom may be done with some money by the elders. These customs were there since time immortal.

    In my view, the point is here – do give / accept ‘these abstract things’ as blessings or affection, whole heartedly without unnecessary show off. Dowry matters, when these things are counted, weighted, talked or on the first level seeked / offered. The ultimate truth is these things are symbolic and temporary and wouldn’t last long.

    Its a marriage : and there is some thing more important in center – the loving bride and a non-demanding groom. The seeds of faith and respect, once embedded in soil of love will germinate and will grow to bless the upcoming family with prosperity.

    Became serious…. okey on the lighter vain, when greedy grooms do seek money and get themselves married ( to me it seems they are sold ), I do dedicate a peom 🙂

    Dear prospective grooms, be brave – be bold,
    Earn everything of own,otherwise just get sold.

    Please do make a better society for the generations to come…

  10. manish kr. barnwal said

    “Why is DOWRY still a living truth in India??”

    I am not agreeing with your question. I think…your question should be ” why this evil is in its worst form in educated family?” because every one here is well educated and its true that its in more worst form in educated society than uneducated society and family.
    People who say that they oppose it but took it or taking it only because they don’t have role in family matter or they are dependent on their family even for their living expenses are impotent. if they are depend for their living expenses on their family at the time of marriage or if he is so impotent to convince their family.
    If u r taking dowry today for the sake of expenses or anything then don’t forget that u will have to repay it to the next generation….and its going to be bigger than present days.

    If you think that this is really evil for our society then you can eradicate it ………

    • First u should do open discussion with your family member about bad effect of dowry (chances of success is more in uneducated family ….so, don’t excuse that your family is conservative or uneducated).
    • U can at least convince them to not take (and accept) dowry and at least in your marriage.
    • U will not take (and accept) dowry in any case.
    • And in return you can and must take promise from your father in law that he too will not take (and accept) dowry if he has any son, And in that case you will have moral right to oppose it in your father in law’s family.

    Anyway, first of all you should start an open discussion in your family.

    And personally I promise that I and my family will not take it in my marriage.

  11. Amrit Mishra said

    You have hit the nail on the head, with this one. Do I know you from somewhere?

  12. bharati said

    Becuase the way the indian anti dowry laws are framed means that they do not distinguish between the innocent and guilty . There are so many innocent victims of dowry laws who have started speaking out that people realise what the point .Whehter I take dowry or not dowry the law will anyways be used

  13. Hi Bharati,

    Agreed with you. But when we start talking about dowry law or etc…before that we need to understand ‘dowry demands’. We can’t escape from talking about it. It is exist bcos of our mindset. Law formed but my question is why we need it?

    I would say, no law can change this system. Society as a whole has to be changed, new generation is changing. Things will certainly change and they have to.

    Manish, appreciate your thought….if we have people like you then undoubtly society will certainly change!

    Amrit, what do you want to know about me?

    Thanx to all who have written comment here.

    Rgds.

  14. mehhekk said

    bahut sahi kaha rewa,dowry naam ka rakshas kab marega,oneday people will give dowry to girls father,wait and watch,there is so much killing of girl child in wombs these days.kuch ispar bhi likhoyaar.ab hum likh nahi sakte,soch sakte hai,par aap jaisa akar dekar likhna mushkil hai.

  15. Hi Mehek, you are very right. Hmmm…yes, we have to wait and watch…time kabhi bhi badal sakta hai.

    I really don’t understand why more girl babies are getting killed every year. You know what, sometimes I feel, “The value of a girl goes down every time like the value of gold goes up.

    Thanx dear, I will try to write on the topic you have mentioned.

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